[personal profile] mishaoutloud
M called tonight, wanting some kind of definitive answer about where we were going from here. I told her I wasn't ready to handle that kind of conversation just right off the cuff, out of nowhere, and that we'd talk tomorrow night. Now I'm feeling on edge, defensive, waiting some opposition to come at me so I can fight it back; but there's nothing there. Nothing but loneliness and formless fears and dread.
So, now, everything is scraping across my nerves like needles: syd and gabby being cute, ANYONE being happy, losing at trivia... by themselves, and at any other time, just nothing, but NOW, scraping like 100 needles. My hands are shaking, just begging to DO something, but there's nothing to be done.
I don't know why. I've known forever how this was going to go. It's over. I've known for two years, if not more. But, strangely, it's always been something to hold on to. Some anchor, a boundary in my life. Now, that's going to. Just one more thing gone. No job, no relationships... I begin to wonder if there's anything really holding me at all now, or if I'm just cast loose. And it's scary and lonely and... and there's nothing to do about it. It's usually those kinds of anchors where you turn to stand, or atleast to lean and rest for a while, in times like these.

It all just feels cold.



October 2001

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